I remember when I was younger, and still today but I no longer stick around for the conversation, people used to joke about how the typical black mother either wanted her son to be a rapper or an athlete. Everyone joked that those two careers would be the only way in which she believed that her son could succeed in the world and help her out the hood, buy her a mansion, a sports car, and shower her in gifts on random days just because. I remember that people used to joke about this. But now I’m thinking about it and I don’t see much to laugh about. I mean what’s funny about a mother thinking that despite all that she invests into her son, no good will come out unless he’s shooting a ball through a hoop or has a mic glued to his hand? What’s funny about a mother believing that despite all of the encouragement and motivation that she pours into her son, unless he’s a celebrity, the world will rip him from her grip and whisper lies to him for the rest of his life. “You’re nothing.” “You’re no one.” “You deserve hardship and misery.” And let’s not act like these subliminal messages don’t exist. So tell me, really, what’s funny about that.

It hasn’t been as prevalent to me in recent years but growing up I did in fact witness a lot of mothers pushing their sons into sports with the hopes that they would someday make it into the league and become rich and successful. And I witnessed mothers spending their last dime to get their son the beginning equipment for him to start on his music career. And it’s sad. It’s sad to see that these mothers know that the world has cookie-cut success for black men. And it’s sad that these mothers know it’s part of the system and they need to play their role. It’s sad that these mothers have been told that they can only expect four outcomes for the futures of their sons: sports, music, jail, or the grave… So choose wisely. And these mothers are so strong, so loving, so committed, and only want the best for the children. But in my experience they’ve been the butt of jokes and called selfish, simple-minded, desperate, money hungry, and foolish because they want their sons to succeed. People joke about these mothers and claim they only want their sons to become rappers or athletes so they can turn around and shower mom with gifts, but has anyone ever thought to realize the fantasies of these mothers is a response to a harsh reality? It might not necessarily be that they’re praying for a Gucci bag every day of the week when their son gets into the NFL but they’re praying that if their son becomes a famous football player that he might not be as big of a target for murder every day of the week. Or if his face is recognizable that some random policeman wouldn’t have the boldness to harass him just because. Do people consider that? I’m just wondering…

Motivation may vary but it’s not within your power to define a good mother vs a basic mother. A wise mother vs a fool who had a baby. A mother’s desire for her son to get into the league might be as simple as “She just want some Gucci” but it could be, and probably is, much more complex than that. So before you assume anything about a woman pushing her son into sports or desperately wishing for him to catch his “big break”, consider that her intentions might not be as simple as they appear. The black mother who enrolls her son in summer basketball leagues with hopes that he’ll be the next LeBron should be honored and respected just as much as the black mother who encourages her son to go to college, and then law school, and then become a lawyer. Because it’s not as simple as it seems and each mother is doing what she feels necessary to set her child up for success. Each mother is doing the best she can, the best she knows how. So who are you to judge and assess her efforts? Who am I to laugh and call her the stereotypical black mother? Who is anyone to makes these women feel less than because of how they’ve responded to reality and unfortunate truths? I just hope that people learn to look beyond the “obvious.” Happy Mother’s Day.

you can say you’re “working on yourself” as loud and as often as you want but if your behavior does not match your claims, your words mean nothing. and progress is so fragile because the second you become complacent in your climb is the second you begin to slip. and committing complacency is so tempting of a task. especially if you’re busy announcing that you’re improving instead of using that time and energy to further improve. don’t tell people who you are and what you’re doing, show them.

when you’re calm as you witness your people being teased, mocked, ridiculed, and insulted, no one wants to say anything. but when you get frustrated enough to speak up and finally defend your people, everyone wants to talk then. but not to address the ignorance, all of their efforts are focused on you. they want to tell you to tone it down. “don’t get so upset.” they want to ask you why you’re acting so belligerent and saying such mean things. but they so easily forget all of your patience beforehand. and they exhaust themselves to silent you meanwhile while every other voice is free to reduce your people to nothing. but the moment you speak up, it’s a problem. what kind of shit is that…

a single strand of confidence in such an insecure world is a threat to anyone and everyone who witnesses that self-assurance and wonders why they themselves don’t have it. and this goes especially for fat women, especially for black women, and for anyone else who the media and society (I hate that word) constantly shits on. because if someone who’s told “you are nothing” since elementary school, or all throughout middle school, or everyday of their adult life, still somehow possesses strength and the will power to know their worth, people who don’t experience such abuse know they’re weak in comparison by default. and people who don’t have to undergo such torment, but still feel insecure about themselves, fear the confidence of the socially abused. they wonder how it’s possible. their own weaknesses are highlighted in the strength of the downtrodden. but these people will rarely display their fear in a decent manner or show respect to the ones who have them in awe. they’ll display their respect in the form of more abuse, because it’s acceptable. it’s expected. and it’s an attempt to make sense of what makes no sense at all. it’s an attempt to restore “order” in the world. “she’s fat so she’s supposed to feel horrible about herself,” “he’s gay so he’s supposed to feel like less of a man,” “their hair is ‘untamed’ so they’re supposed to be treated like the savages they appear to be.” right. that’s what people tell themselves. these are the lies they convince themselves of to justify their behavior. they’d rather torment you than admit their fear. they’d rather try to bring you down than reveal the concealed respect they have for you. and it’s strange. and it’s bizarre. but it’s somewhat encouraging… but that’s bullshit because I’m tired of seeing these “feel good” messages that attempt to comfort the abused but at the same time excuse the behavior of the abuser. I find it much more effective to call these abusive individuals out on their shit and show them for who they are. because in their minds they’re playing their role, in their mind that’s the way things are supposed to be. yes the person getting shitted on is beautiful, strong, unique, blah blah blah all that good stuff. but the same amount of energy used to uplift the targeted, should be used to call attention to the ones holding the bullets. people focus too much on the effects of the problem but ignore the source of the problem. and yes it’s easier said than done but the solution has got to start somewhere. and that somewhere begins with recognition and addressing the ones perpetuating the beliefs that it’s acceptable to treat people like they’re sub-human because that’s how it’s “supposed to be.”

People get too comfortable in their misery and fail to realize that distress does not have to be life’s default setting. You’re allowed to pursue happiness. You’re allow to surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Just because pain has frequented you in the past does not mean that in your present and future you’re obligated to settle for situations that drain you, people that use you, and “lovers” that abuse you mentally, emotionally, and whatever other aspect they manipulate in order to control or bring you down. Misery loves company but you don’t have to welcome it every time it comes knocking at your door. You don’t. You know you deserve more, you know you deserve better, so stop settling for the tears that arrive at night and the insecurities that eat you up during the day, and say hello to happiness. And not just happiness, say hello to joy. A joy that doesn’t come and go with each new relationship you find yourself in or with each new purchase you make. A joy that consistently gives you peace, because you deserve peace whether you know it or not. Stop becoming so familiar with relationships that do nothing but exhaust you and situations that torment you; do not be so at ease with misery. You deserve better than that. Misery should not be your yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

how can a person with low self esteem learn to love themself when they don’t even know what love is. maybe they need to be introduced to love, through you. so maybe instead of looking down on them from your pedestal of great self-value you can meet them eye to eye and show compassion and genuine concern for their struggles. maybe instead of patronizing them and preaching to them about their depreciated self-image, you can help them repair that image. and not their physical appearance, but the deceptive self-perception that has stripped them of deserved appreciation for who they are. you can help reconstruct their eyes to see their beauty, their minds to realize their worth. you cannot make someone love themself nor can you fill an internal void caused by their own insecurities through external means. but you can assist them. you can show them what love is. and no it’s not your job to take upon this burden. and it’s not your obligation to play this role in a person’s life. but neither is it your job to make them feel even more horrible because of how they perceive themselves. nor is it your obligation to speak shame on them because they weren’t fortunate enough to obtain the confidence you did. so if you really want someone to love themselves and you’re not just speaking out your ass, you can set aside your arrogance and judgmental assessments and treat them as they deserve to be treated; like a person. even if they feel unworthy, you can do for them what they cannot do for themselves, you can respect them. and if you so eagerly insist them to love themselves you can do what they or any one else in their life has seemingly failed to do, you can introduce to them love. 

Keeping in mind all the danger that you’ve faced, and how you’re still alive. Or keeping in mind all the mistakes that you’ve made, yet still have a chance to thrive. How could you not be excited about your future and what’s to come? Knowing that the past you, isn’t who you currently are today. Knowing that your mind has evolved, awareness has grown, and your ideas and beliefs have changed for the better. Looking back at how little you knew and remembering the flawed mentalities you once subscribed to. How do you not realize with every tomorrow is the opportunity to put to practice the theories we’re perfecting today? How do you not take into consideration where you’ve been and garner anticipation for where you’re going? Instead your apathy is showing. You’re uninspired and dull. You say you’re “just trying to get by,” but that makes me wonder what is your final destination? Because right now without hesitation I can tell you you’re on your way to a sad death. Even though you’re already dead. Dead to expansion. Dead to growth. Dead to life. When you look into your hands can you not see what you falsely perceive as specs of dirt are actually the seeds to your future? The resources you have and the people you meet, the lessons you learn and the knowledge you encounter, they all have the potential to factor into that which will unfold. But it’s as though you’ve been told that fate is set and you can do nothing to alter your depressing destiny. Who lied and convinced you of that? Attacking your ambition while claiming they’re “just keeping it real.” Don’t ever let someone else’s tainted viewpoint kill your hopes. And don’t ever belong to that crowd of people who are just existing. Be persistent in the chase to attain your heart’s desires. In everything you do, remain steadfast and aggressively pursue whatever your dreams and passions demand of you.

The one admirable trait we look to avoid is humility because it’s honorable and all, but we always feel as though we deserve to relish at least a little bit in conceit. And we think cockiness is beneath us because we tell ourselves we’re meek, and humble, and all those nice things. But then turn around and walk that thin line between arrogance and confidence, often losing balance and stumbling onto the side of haughtiness. But of course we deny our tumble and call it “self assurance.” We’re so proud and pompous but in our head we tell ourselves we uphold the demeanor of a pauper. But truth be told we’re not humble at all. It’s just that deception we embrace to avoid facing the crude truth, we’re conceited with little to no reason. We’re lacking gratefulness and awareness of the many blessings we’ve received. We pursuade ourselves we did it all on our own, not factoring in God’s grace and the support from others that propelled us to our current position. Honesty is rarely pretty so we create beautiful lies in our mind. “I’m so sweet” and “I’m so kind” “I’m so this and I’m so that” but then act in a manner that contradicts everything we believe ourselves to be, especially when it comes to humility.

Fear of failure and fear of the future are such human emotions but people act like you’ve done something wrong if you express these feelings. “Where is your faith?” “You must have not done something right in the past if you’re scared of what’s to come.” “And blah, and wah, and tah dah dah.” But my message to you is this, if you’re ever absolutely content with your life, if there’s not even an ounce of fear that you’ll fail in something you’re striving for, then you’re not striving for all that much. You’re not doing enough. You’re not going far enough, challenging yourself enough, or dreaming big enough. There’s not really any legitimacy to this claim because I’m just a nobody but I think some famous person has a quote basically saying the same thing so bam, it’s officially true. If you’re completely content with your current situation you might call yourself “secure” but I call you stagnant. And don’t get it confused, you’re afraid too, it’s a different kind of fear but nonetheless you’re still scared. You look my way and take pity on me, and I look at you and do the same. For completely different reasons, but I do the same. I’m not comfortable with doing the minimum, I can’t limit myself. So I strive for the maximum, and then some, because I think I’m capable of it; at least I hope I am. I might succeed and I might flop. The uncertainty excites me. And with this kind of uncertainty will naturally come fear, and that’s alright. I’d rather take flight with the risk of crashing than stand on solid blah ground all my life… but that’s just me. Under-prepared, faithless me. Whatever that means.

I know you probably think you’re so “special” when you say things like “Learning isn’t confined to the classroom.” Well you are special. And how true you are, learning is in fact not confined to the classroom. But learning isn’t confined to just listening to lectures, reading books, or watching documentaries either. Hooray for independent research and praise God (if you even think a God exist) for your persistent quest for knowledge. How impressive you are. But learning isn’t confined to scrutinizing maps or embarking on land exploration at all. It’s not just about memorizing words or studying artistic works. It’s not all about stats or facts or anything like that, learning can also be mastering technique in how you interact with another. You can familiarize your mind with empathy, you can learn about all that factors into effectively understanding what is at first unfamiliar to you. Some of the most intelligent people I’ve encountered weren’t necessary scholars and didn’t necessarily have the highest IQ, but they knew how to communicate with people. They were aware of the emotions and feelings of every single person who was in the same room with them, breathing their air. After just a short conversation they could pick up on a person’s fears and hopes, concerns and sources of joys. They were keen to body language, read expressions well, and almost knew exactly what the person beside them was thinking, and how they were thinking it, and what led them to that conclusion.

I’m sure you, with your exceptionally scholastic brain, are already familiar with the nine types of intelligence. So I’m sure that you’ve already been introduced to interpersonal intelligence. And so based upon all these other certainties of mine, I’m sure that you’re more than aware that memorization of paragraphs, chapters, books, encyclopedias (hip hip hooray) isn’t more evidence of intelligence than beautiful articulation is. And I’m sure that you know not to discredit the process of learning how to talk to people or relate to people as somehow being inferior to your academic learning; I’m sure you know not to discredit any fashion of learning for that matter. I’m sure of that.

The type of learning I’m talking about, that everyday learning, is unfortunately overlooked but oh so necessary. Who cares what you know if you don’t have the articulation and communication skills to share it with others? And no one wants to hear you speak if you’re not aware that the manner in which you are relaying your information is offensive or off-putting. If you lack the ability to understand people or don’t even care to attempt, why would anyone want to waste their time or energy trying to understand you? Do you think your words that important? Are you Jesus? (If he even existed, right?) I bet if people put a fraction of the energy that they use chasing “scholastic intelligence” into the simplicity of learning how to talk to people and gaining consciousness and awareness of minds other than their own, their overall lives would improve drastically, as least the social aspect.

But I don’t really have any statistics to back this bullshit up, although I’m sure I could find records of some psychological experiments that reiterate my rambling. I just think it’d be nice if people didn’t limit “respectable” learning to words and figures and all that fancy stuff. If you’re looking to expand your mind, try embracing that concept. What am I really saying? I don’t even know. It’s just the higher I climb into this academic world and the more and more I meet these self-proclaimed “scholars” the more disgusted I become. Suffocated by their arrogance and feeling of superiority. If they’re not talking about their respective fields of expertise, they don’t even know how to hold a conversation. They don’t have a grasp of the fundamental elements in communication. Socially speaking, conversation-wise, considering expression… they’re fools. But they have the audacity to turn around and look down on an interpersonal genius because that individual can’t bark out answers when watching Jeopardy? Oh. That’s hilarious.

I hate when people say “Only God can judge me” when they really mean “Please don’t hold me accountable for my actions.” There’s a difference between “judging” you and calling you out on bullshit

I’ve noticed that what a lot of people long for in relationships, friendships, or any kind of communication or consistent interaction with another human being, is reciprocity. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel like they’re giving it they’re all but their partner’s just giving it the least. And no one wants to be involved with a friend who leaches off of them and exhaust them with their mere presence. Yes it is true that people may see different value in different elements of relationships or friendships, but people generally want to involve themselves with others who are also going to return just as much involvement that they’re receiving. And the unspoken percentages have to match. It’s alright if someone’s only giving you 50% if you too are only giving 50%. Because if that’s the case then there’s an understanding and a mutual “half-assing it” approach. But tell me how you would feel if someone was giving 10% to your 110%?

We’ve all been there, it feels like shit. And you may wonder, how are you able to put numbers to friendship? The concept might seem strange. But you don’t need to be a mathematician to measure who’s doing what and how much of it in a relationship. You just know. You know if you’re a friend who’s willing to drop anything to help out a companion in need, but then they go and ignore all of your phone calls when you’re no longer a convenience to them. And you know how it feels to endure conversations with those friends who unload all of their problems on you but then have an issue with sitting through 2 minutes of your complaining about a professor. You know the emotions that run through you when people change according to who’s around. When people lack the same respect you give them. When they can’t pay you the same courtesy and consideration you present them time and time again, you know.

All of this was pretty obvious, I just wanted to ramble. But what isn’t obvious, or at least is doesn’t appear to be, is that you have to be willing to accept what you give. Apply the golden rule in any and every aspect of your life. You know how it feels when a friend is using you, so why would you use someone else? And you know how it feels to be shitted on so why are you flushing a relationship with a good friend down the toilet and neglecting or dismissing their feelings? If you want a relationship or friendship based in reciprocity, you’re going to have to give what you expect. That takes a lot of humility, and you’re going to go through a lot of trial and error friendships, but when you meet that one person or that one core group of friends that invest in you as much as you invest in them… it’ll all be worth it. People steady sitting at the table waiting for a full-course meal when all they brought to the dinner party was three napkins and a Dixie® cup. It doesn’t work like that.

If you’re going to somehow imply that someone is intellectually inferior to you then how can you turn around and expect them to understand your big words and complex concepts? How can their inability to understand what the hell you’re talking about frustrate you when you speak and behave in a manner that suggest they will never reach your academic or intellectual heights? If you’re going to assume that someone isn’t “smart enough” to comprehend what you’re saying, then why would you act baffled when they believe in things that you disagree with or say things that prove they’re not “on your level?” Wouldn’t it make more sense for you in your “higher position” to knock it down a few notches and meet them where they’re at since they lack the mental ability to meet you where you are? But then again only a person who is truly trying to have a productive conversation with someone or actually trying to educate them would be willing go to that extent. If you’re intent is to be condescending or belittle someone for not reading as many books as you or watching as many documentaries… then go right ahead contradicting yourself and being the little pompous asshole you are. The acquisition of knowledge makes some people so unbearable. They get too caught up in fancy dialect and “stimulating conversation” with fellow “scholars” to remember why they sought to learn in the first place. They forget the state of ignorance they themselves suffered from not too far ago. But now you berate people cause you’ve learned a few things? Gross. Does education really cause this much arrogance? Really? Not everyone is obligated to learn and then take that information and share with others but damn, some people are too full of themselves with little to no good reason. And you’re simply adding to the problems that you spend so much time preaching and supposedly campaigning against. Please. Humble yourselves. Because not everyone has the resources that you’ve been blessed with, and not everyone is going to have the same ambition or drive that you have had so does that make them deserving of your belittlement? Really? Attention “scholars,” look into your intentions please and notice what you are doing to people, how you are making them feel, and how you’re presenting yourself. It’s disgusting. Teaching others is not your obligation but do you not feel obligated to avoid acting like an asshole? Just because you’ve read a few books and took a few college/graduate courses? Really? Listen Einstein, get over yourself. And yes all the quotation marks were necessary. All of them.

Claiming “I’m human” does not excuse you from the consequences of your actions. We’re all human. We all have flaws and we all fall short at times, but as humans we also must acknowledge that our behavior elicits a response. Understand that when you behave in a unfavorable manner, you run the risk of inciting unfavorable repercussions. Yes, we’re all human; but yet some of us are still able to maintain a respectable level of decency and manage not to make habit of offensive conduct or deplorable language. Please don’t try to use your “human nature” as justification for being a crappy person. That’s a challenge we all face but have the ability to overcome. So what’s your next excuse?

As selfish as this sounds sometimes I wish I didn’t feel for people as hard as I do. Listening to people speak about their woes and witnessing their struggles, it hurts. I wish I could hear about someone’s issues, give them a nonchalant look of forced sympathy or an apathetic “It’ll get better soon” and just carry on with my life because “I have better things to worry about” but I can’t. And I’m not Mother Teresa nor will I ever claim to be the nicest or most caring person in the world so I wonder why I feel so hard for them. Their words latch onto my thoughts running through my mind, tugging at emotions and the only word that I can utter is “why?” Time and time again I’m wondering why. I don’t understand how the heart of man is so evil that people don’t even think twice about stealing a young child’s innocence, or exploiting a widow with four children, or carelessly just vomiting hate on absolute strangers. I don’t understand how people can dismiss all there is to learn in the world and blissfully wallow in their ignorance. I feel so disheartened knowing that people are undergoing real issues and they’re getting laughed at or told they’re too sensitive. I don’t understand how people can so easily write off a person and tell them they’re overreacting not even attempting to show the slightest bit of empathy. It’s disgusting. And the hurt ones continue to be hurt, feeling alone, neglected, ridiculed, mocked and hushed. Ashamed and embarrassed for events that were out of their control. Left hoping that Karma will somehow avenge them, because they have no more energy to try and retaliate. Or their heart is too forgiving. Or they fear for their life, social-status, or overall well-being. I wish someone could tell me about their problems and I’d be “Aw” one second and “Oh well” the next but I can’t. But as draining as this shit is I appreciate it to the fullest. Because it reminds me every single day that if not for God’s grace, I’d be in the same place. Hurting, vulnerable, alone. Saying “practice the golden rule” is so tired and played out but I really wish people would at least try to see the world from an unfamiliar perspective. A perspective they’ll never know or have to know because they’ve been blessed. The problems that are prevalent in our world are too common and they shouldn’t be. I see some of the most beautiful people in the ugliest of situations and I just wonder why, and ask God for a reason, and demand an explanation for how they deserved all they’d endured. And then I stare at them in amazement and pray for only a fraction of their strength.