man, it’s a wrap. I graduate tomorrow. I feel like I should be having deep and reflective thoughts about my journey and growth but right now all I wanna do is twerk for Jesus. maybe it’ll hit me later. 

So I’m getting all these e-mail responses from all these random places that I sent applications to during the time that I was in a bit of a frenzy and freaking out about making sure I find a summer job. The employers that did in fact hire me made it a smooth process. It’s gonna be fun. I’ll get to interact with kids. And I’ll get to stay in Houston. And now I’m reading all of these replies from places I never really wanted to go and jobs I never really want to work in the first place. I feel like God’s laughing at me and saying “See nigga I told you I had you.” Seriously, I heard him whisper it this morning. I’m too blessed to be stressed man. From now on I’m simply gonna do all I’m able to do and just chill because when I’ve done all that I can, it’s no longer in my hands. I’m only human so my abilities are limited but God’s power knows no ends. There’s your sermon for the week. It should hold you till Sunday. Hallelujah and Amen.

I don’t mean to sound like an obnoxious brat, I really don’t, because I know some people still have Androids and all that but… for the past few months I’ve had to suffer with an iPhone because my BB broke but now that I’m going back home soon I get to join team Black Berry again and I’m so excited! And I was just kidding about the Android comment. All phones are beautiful creations of God so please don’t cop an attitude with me. We’re all on the same team. We’re all human. We all bleed red.

Got some wonderful news this morning and I might possibly be in the Philadelphia area for graduate school come August. How exciting right?! Just the beginning to a new chapter. God is good.

I’ll be in Seattle May 17-25 for leader training/orientation. Isn’t that like the number one city for suicide?

I got a summer job working with teenagers as an environmentalist crew leader. I’m finna get mad tan.

my suitemate is sooo loud whenever she’s on the phone arguing with her fiance, so recently I started keeping score as entertainment. whenever she says something really hurtful, I give her a point. She be like “And that’s why you still livin’ in that small ass apartment and don’t have a job” and I be like “damn, that one cut deep.” -draw tally- And then whenever she’s quiet for more than thirty seconds, I give him two points because that’s a miracle. and then sometimes she whimpers and I give him a point because obviously he cut deep. she always wins though. always. how absurd of me. but sometimes you gotta be absurd to cope with having a loud ass, rude ass, volatile relationship having ass, suitemate.

Fear of failure and fear of the future are such human emotions but people act like you’ve done something wrong if you express these feelings. “Where is your faith?” “You must have not done something right in the past if you’re scared of what’s to come.” “And blah, and wah, and tah dah dah.” But my message to you is this, if you’re ever absolutely content with your life, if there’s not even an ounce of fear that you’ll fail in something you’re striving for, then you’re not striving for all that much. You’re not doing enough. You’re not going far enough, challenging yourself enough, or dreaming big enough. There’s not really any legitimacy to this claim because I’m just a nobody but I think some famous person has a quote basically saying the same thing so bam, it’s officially true. If you’re completely content with your current situation you might call yourself “secure” but I call you stagnant. And don’t get it confused, you’re afraid too, it’s a different kind of fear but nonetheless you’re still scared. You look my way and take pity on me, and I look at you and do the same. For completely different reasons, but I do the same. I’m not comfortable with doing the minimum, I can’t limit myself. So I strive for the maximum, and then some, because I think I’m capable of it; at least I hope I am. I might succeed and I might flop. The uncertainty excites me. And with this kind of uncertainty will naturally come fear, and that’s alright. I’d rather take flight with the risk of crashing than stand on solid blah ground all my life… but that’s just me. Under-prepared, faithless me. Whatever that means.

Um I really wish I could slap the shit outta one of my professors. He said that students now days don’t get out enough so he assigned us all to exercise for 20 minutes and write a two page paper (single spaced) about how it felt. I don’t see the correlation between getting out and exercising but I guess. I wouldn’t mind it, because I have no conscious and don’t mind lying on bullshit assignments. But to ensure honesty, he’s also instructed us to film our exercise session and said he will be making sure we did it for the entire 20 minutes. This is just so surprising coming from a man who can barely make it up a single flight of stairs without gasping for his dear life. Is he exercising victoriously through us? Make it down the hall without having to take a break for air and then get at me with this stupid ass assignment, homie. He’s white so I’m gonna get one of my friends (black of course) to do it because she actually delights in fitness activities. I doubt he’ll even notice it’s not me. Black privilege.

An associate of mine asked if she could come visit me and I instantly declined… then she informed me that she would be bringing food and some treats so I graciously accepted her initial request. I feel so cheap. But I’m fed.

I can’t wait until I graduate and move out of Arkansas and into a decent city. Then I’ll get to act reckless in the pm and act like I have no sense at all or a respectable reputation to uphold. And then if I survive to see the morning, I can blog about last night’s regrets as you guys console me and tell me I’m “perfectly imperfect.” So excited.

I don’t understand why African parents think an appropriate response to anything they disagree with is to rebuke it in the name of Jesus. My mom asked me when I’m going to get married and I jokingly told her that I think God has destined me to singlehood for the rest of my life and she kept pleading the blood of Jesus on me. She was serious.